Lately, I have been confronted by a deep nagging feeling in my gut, and by scripture in my devotions and writings from contemporary Christian authors, even the worship music that I have been drawn to lately, seem to all be telling me the same thing...have I surrendered or am "the Rich Young Ruler."
I have come to realize that I have two desires:
Desire #1: I want to live a tidy, Christian life. You know the sort, devoted, sound theology, competent leadership ability, successful, and happy. The kind of "happy" that comes from a well ordered life, everything in its place, a solid portfolio of "God is good, all the time, I am blessed, blessed, blessed! Can I get an A-men?"
Desire #2: I want to be used mightily of of God. To be able to say, "Speak Lord, Your servant is listening." To be the kind of disciple that is willing to get out of the boat, to be like Paul content with plenty or with little, to rejoice in trial as well as victory or as Matthew 10:39 says, "If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it." Am I willing to give Him my all?
So, what seems to be the problem? Well these two things are mutually exclusive, it seems I want two different things. I want "Nutri-system Christianity" You know a svelte muscular physique without the pain and sweat of exercise. I want a collective bargaining agreement with God...guaranteed benefits, and better working conditions (I am pretty sure that the whole losing your life bit won't make it past OSHA regulations).
I say that I want God to lead and guide me in my prayers, but when it comes down to it do I really. When I need to make a decision about what to do with my money, how to spend my free time or almost anything that isn't "ministry related" do I take time to consult him? Of course not! He might actually have something to say and then I'll be forced to decide whether or not to follow his counsel.
How can I change this seeming bloodymindedness, to move away from the life that I want and the life that having a relationship requires? This is a huge question not one that is likely to be answered in today's blog entry, but something that will prayerfully take shape in the days and weeks ahead. I will begin by asking Tanya to help me by keeping me accountable, to ask me if I have been giving the Lord more room to speak into my life. I'm not talking about consulting Him with the big stuff, that's easy; but engaging the Lord and inviting Him to speak into the seemingly insignificant places. Am I surrendering more of my life to him, that's not so easy...He may just tell me what I don't want to hear, He may ask me to move out of my comfort zone...
I am a big fan of Chris Tomlin and the words of his song - I Will Follow are hitting me right in the chest, the lyrics are brilliant, I want them to become the anthem for my life:
"...Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you
Light unto the world
Light unto my life
I will live for you alone
You're the one I seek
Knowing I will find
All I need in you alone, in you alone..."
